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How to get along with an impossible colleague:
Do you have a colleague who displays one or more of the following: He / she is just impossible, arrogant, stubborn, sometimes abusive, acts like he / she is right about almost everything, spreads negative messages, cause descent in the group, etc. Have you tried to ignore it but it is just getting worse? How does one deal with someone like this?
These kinds of situations tend to occur over time. Ignoring it at the beginning probably contributes to the problem. As we stated last month: In any relationship both people influence the other's behaviour. It is therefore better to stop blaming and to focus on how YOU can make things better. You have very little control over the personality or behaviour of another person, BUT you can change your own behaviour and here are some ideas for a new approach:
1. Wait until you are calm and not in the middle of a confrontation. Ask if you could speak to your colleague privately. Do not accuse or blame the other person. Mention that the two of you have your differences and that you would like to work more effectively together. Ask what you can do that will help the two of you get along better. Now listen properly - this way the other person knows that you are interested and meant every word you said. Try and find common ground if possible. Once you have listened properly you can make a request of your own.
2. Do not show your frustration to the other person. You do not have to take abuse with a smile, but don't attack or react abusively yourself. Deal with things firmly, but nicely, and without dramatics. No eye-rolling and no heavy sighing.
3. Stop making the situation one for public discussion. A negative situation that is public is disruptive to the organization and becomes more difficult to fix. When we gossip about someone we focus on the worst parts and paint them (almost always) in a negative way. This affects your thinking and actually shortens your patience.
OK. So you have done everything and feel that the situation is not improving. Sometimes we do need help in dealing with conflict and with an impossible colleague. One solution might be to talk to your manager. Try and be as objective as possible when explaining the situation. Do not try and convince your manager that the other person is the problem. Request help or suggestions and focus on fixing the problem. If you are adding to the problem be mature enough to take some responsibility for it.
Remember:
We often label people as difficult but they might not have the interpersonal skills to deal effectively with situations in the workplace. They are not bad people (the same way a poor soccer player is a bad person).
A final note:
So what do you do once you realise that you are an "impossible" colleague? Do people avoid you? Are you always in the middle of every conflict?
A good place to start:
- If you disagree with someone you can speak to them privately in order to resolve the problem and not in front of the whole office;
- Allow other people to "fight their own battles" - there is no need to get involved in every little thing in the department (who has the energy in any case?);
- Ask a friend in the office or your manager to point out to you when you display the qualities of an "impossible" colleague;
- Get a mentor who are known for his / her good interpersonal skills and learn as much as you can.
- Speak to ICAS who can assist you in displaying more positive behaviour.
We all spend so much time together every day - let us make it as positive and enjoyable as possible for each other.